I have said it in my profile and I say it again here. If someone doesn't post, then I don't accept his buddy invite. For some reason it is always guys :>

Another one just tried it, so this post is going to stick around for a while, as I obviously need to spell it out:

INVITATIONS TO BE A BLOG BUDDY ACCEPTED FROM GENUINE BLOGGERS ONLY. THIS IS A WEIRDO FREE ZONE

- well, just about.

and blogthings is never wrong

Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: None Fashion Geekiness: None Gamer Geekiness: None Geekiness in Love: None General Geekiness: None Internet Geekiness: None Movie Geekiness: None Music Geekiness: None SciFi Geekiness: None

I have just been scouring my posts looking for the one I wrote about a crucial conversation i had with hubby about our relationship. I must have deleted the post. Anyway I think it was at the beginning of March this year, so that shows it is at least 4 months since said conversation. In that 4 months, we have had sex 3 times, and the last time was 2 months ago.
I must admit to being a bit confused. Hubby is being generally very nice to me, but as lack of sex was one of the crucial points in the conversation, I would expect a bit more effort in that department. All 3 occasions have been bad, as lack of foreplay on his part, and desire on mine made for a less than thrilling experience for both of us. I guess that is why he has not tried since, as he knows my heart is not in it. And I am not going to suggest it, for the same reason. So we bob along, being friendly and civil to each other, but with no sex, no intimacy of any sort.

It is like doing a house share with a good mate. Expedient, but not something I want to do forever.

And while looking for a suitable illustration for this post, i came across various references to Geeks not having high sex drives. As Aspergers has been called Geek syndrome as well, maybe he is indeed more Geek than Asperger.
Thing is, I am about as far away as you can get from being a Geek.

R is entertaining for 2 days a business contact from the UK. He has been teasing me of what he will do with the beautiful Karen, who he has never met, from picking her up at the airport this afternoon to dropping her off again at the airport early on Thursday morning.

I know he is teasing, I know he will be the perfect gentleman and business partner, but I still hope she is fat
I sent him a picture yesterday of a very large lady whom I suggested was Karen. He replied that she looked like at least double fun ( due to her enormous boobs)
he did also comment though, I need not worry, that at her size he could get smoothered and it would be too much effort to fight his way through to her

And this lunchtime I read the following post from my buddy tel1342
http://crusader.blog.co.uk/2008/06/16/the-quest-4322670

absolutely brilliant.
So darling, if you read this post, take a look at the one above. I admit the english is very complicated, but it is so funny, and worth a try.

R has pointed out to me that the Audi A3 is not in fact a sports car, but is a cabriolet. Ah, I always used the words interchangeably Cos to me, a cabriolet looks sporty, so therefore it is a sports car. But of course, when a man thinks of a sports car, he is thinking of a high octane, high performance Lamborghini, or Ferrari or something like that.
Just one of the many differences between men and women.

I think I would be quite dangerous in a sports car, but totally cool in a cabriolet
And if the day ever comes when R and I move in together, we are going to buy a cabriolet together to celebrate. He can have the final say on the model (within reason) but I want to choose the colour.

because I was so pissed off annoyed on Saturday when I hit the town, I did indulge in a little retail therapy
Well, the main department store facing the Railway station had a 50% sale on!! So, i bought 2 new bras and matching panties, and a gorgeous Basque with panties, that R will just love.
I did realise afterwards however that none of those items had actually been in the sale, but this wonderful leather handbag was. Half price and really smart. But still a fair bit of cash. So i texted R to see if he was alone, then I called him. I knew he would tell me to buy it, and he did, so I did. Then to top it all off I bought a huge bunch of flowers on the high street to cheer myself up, and went home feeling a lot happier. All those text messages and the chat with R did help. In fact, I was so happy I was sorely tempted to get on the train on the next platform which was heading for the town where our nest is.
R texted me that if I did, he would too. Very tempting, but it would have taken some explaining

Our next door neighbour has a very young and petite Thai wife / live in partner now after he and his former wife split up about a year or so ago. They seem happy enough, and she is learning German.
I think I can vouch for the fact her German is coming along nicely after the exchange of last night. At about 11pm there was a series of high pitched screams, which we did not realise was coming from next door until suddenly she was out on our shared back lawn shouting at her husband. He was being remarkably calm and trying to coax her back in. Eventually she went indoors, quiet descended and I went to bed.
We had our bedroom window ajar as it was a hot night.
At 1.30 this morning it all started again. No screaming this time, but they were both out on the street with her shouting at him about trust or something. A car was there with it's engine running, and she was carrying a bag which she put in the boot. Bizarrely then the driver and her husband were chatting having a cigarette each whilst she was putting the bag in the boot, then out, then in again

I closed our window, and shut the blinds. Today all is quiet next door. I don't know if she stayed or went, but hopefully it will be a bit quieter tonight.
If he had hit her, or even she him, maybe I would have intervened- but a regular domestic - okay, I will not get involved, but I would appreciate it if they didn't have their rows so late at night

regular visitors to my blog will know that I often have problems getting much help out of my family. Yesterday was another such time. I had to go out in the morning to help a neighbour. When I got back, my daughter was reading a book in her PJ's, hubby was on PC. Nothing had been done.
So I had a bite to eat then set to cleaning, whilst knowing I still had to go to town before everything shut.
I was not happy, and it showed
my daughter retreated to her bedroom to play on her computer. My husband decided maybe he should go and do the food shopping now, so disappeared for 2 hours. So I carried on cleaning, and had 3 trips to my daughters room with various items of hers left lieing around.
She noticed I was not happy, and asked why. So i spelt it out, and she said I was behaving like a teenager
She said I was not a good role model. So i agreed, because as I explained to her, i was always grafting whilest no one else did anything to help, so obviously I was setting the wrong sort of example somewhere.

I went out to town. When i returned, my daughter was ironing My husband had finished the laundry that I had started, and had hung it all out, and was working on the garden

Wow, just goes to show. Shame I have to lose my temper before anything happens though.

I found these on the internet and thought I would share them with you all

1. Mark Twain
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

2. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thou art to me a delicious torment.

3. Mother Teresa
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

4. Aristotle
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

5. Helen Keller
The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.

6. Roy Croft
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

7. Ingrid Bergmen
A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.

8. Rabrindranath Tagore
He who wants to do good knocks at the gate: he who loves finds the door open.

9. Sir Winston Churchill
Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found.

10. Kahlil Gibran
It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations

My last post about the thin line love to hate has now been made friends only to avoid identification of the guilty parties

And R has read my whole blog, from start to finish since i gave him the link last week.

and he still loves me

I have found the sports car I want. The new Audi A3 cabriolet. Good looking and very energy efficient, and would be so great for my image as well as I would have no guilty conscience about the environment.

The small question of how I am going to afford it is of no matter. I have ripped out a piccie from a magazine, and will start thinking positively that that car will be mine by the end of this year.

Today in my inbox I received another email from a long time collegue who is leaving the mightly corporation that employs me. Staff seem to be leaving in droves, lots of top people, with lots of experience. This is not a good sign.
In our little office, all is stable, but it is unsettling when all around you they are leaving.
It would be one thing if all were leaving of their own accord, new challenges and all that, but some are leaving cos they have been told to.

Hmm, maybe I had better get on with some work. Catch you later.

15 degrees C!!!! I should have checked the weather forecast and not allowed myself to be fooled by the weak rays of sunshine outside my apartment this morning.
It is so cold

I must resist hitting the shops for a new pair of jeans at lunchtime

 Okay, Inspired by certain bloggers on here feeling down at present, I am starting a new meme. List 10 blessings or good things that are happening in your life at present. Then tag 5 bloggers. It doesn't matter if they are happy or sad bloggers, as we all should count our blessings now and then

Okay mine:
1. my two beautiful daughters, who might drive me nuts, and drain my resources, but I love very much. They bring a lot of joy too.
2. My rather nice apartment, that may be a lot smaller than a lot of other people have, but is mine, is a roof over my head, and I like it.
3. My job, which pays the bills, and gives me open access to blogging.
4. My work collegues who are a really good team.
5. My staff, who are so supportive.
6. My lover of course, he is a major blessing and brightens every day.
7. My health is pretty good - weight where I want it near enough
8. My friends who are always around to help me if I need them
9. I am always happy I was born in the West, and have the freedoms we have here.
10.The love nest is a big blessing of course, and I will be there tomorrow afternoon

So i tag a mixed bag of bloggers: jackfrost, esspee, I_AM_Xenon, Jacobite and phinebooty.

and if you are not tagged, feel free to pinch it.

or I am all of a flutter as ladies used to say. Today is officially the anniversary of one year to the date since I first met R. But that is not why I am of a flutter.
Today is Sunday, so we never see each other on Sunday. I had Church this morning, I was leading prayers - I know, incredible, but he came for the sinners, so he found a good one with me.

Anyway, after Church there was a bit of a celebration going on in the hall, with wine and cheese, which I naturally attended. I texted R to wish him a Happy anniversary, and to express the wish that next year we spend the day together.
On the way home in the car I got the following text
" enjoy the celebration after Church" I was a bit surprised
I texted back " have you been looking at the website?" and I went on to tell him that someone had complimented me that I looked relaxed and beautiful today and it was all down to him ( although I suppose the wine might have helped ) and I told him that the prayers were well received.
A text came back " i know" and he told me what i was wearing down to the scarf round my neck.
I was stunned. It did go through my head that maybe it was being filmed and put on the internet, but I called him, and sure enough, he had been in Church this morning. He had travelled 120km just to be near me today. He had not made himself known to me, had not stayed afterwards, but slipped out, and I had not sensed he was there.
I had been thinking a lot about him, I always do though, so nothing special.

I was totally overwhelmed with emotions that he had been there, and was now on a train back home. The hiccup from the other day is totally irrelevant now, I am convinced he does indeed truly love me.

And back home, there is no one here. The kids are out at friends, my husband is out running, and I am alone with my rapidly beating heart.

so thanks Davij, here goes:
1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was a stay at home Mum with a 3 year old and and 6 year old, so probably attending playgroups and seeing friends, and reading stories, and cleaning a lot.
I was also being a well behaved, but rather stressed out wife.

2. Five things on to do on today's list:
clean apartment
visit a girlfriend
pay bills !
watch opening game of Euro08
do the ironing ( did all on my list too)

3. Snacks
cheese, toast, chocolate, apples

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire
well, pack my job in, set up the kids, buy my husband out and move out. Buy a nice apartment and furnish it just how I want. Travel to India and South America, spend some time there learning Spanish. Do a full time MBA or maybe an interior design course instead. Start my own business. Donate a load of money to charity. Buy that sports car I have always wanted. Buy a 2nd home somewhere warm and sunny.

5. Places I have lived: Darlington, Winchester, Nottingham are the only 3 I will admit to before leaving the country for ever

I tag jacobite, karria, stella jones, adamantixx and confuddled

It is a year to the day today since R and I first met. On Sunday it will be a year to the date.
A year since we first saw each other on the station platform, since we lunched in the Rose Gardens overlooking the river, a year since we walked along that same river and talked and talked. A year since we sat on the bench, hidden in the woods and shared our first kiss. That was some kiss. 
I was overdressed for the heat, but so was he. We both wanted to make a good impression. He tells me now I looked typically English - whatever that may mean. To me, I saw a well dressed guy, who was a real gentleman, with whom I felt immediately at ease.
When we parted at the end of the afternoon, we had already arranged the second date, and knew what we would do. When you meet someone, both looking for an affair, then if the chemistry is right, there is little point in waiting.
The chemistry was right then, right when we next met, when we first made love, and has been right ever since.
R fell in love with me on our first afternoon together, and I knew that. I bewitched him he said and it scared him. He had not embarked on an affair looking to fall in love. Neither had I, but we do not choose whom we fall in love with.

The past year has seen us in different hotels at home and abroad, always good hotels, as R has high standards. I have learnt not to quibble about money ( at least I have improved anyway)- I have learnt to let him spoil me, but i still insist on paying my share.
We also met in "seitensprung" rooms, designed for lovers to steal a few hours, and now we have our nest, which we have had 6 months now. The nest is a haven for us, where we can be us, and love each other, and no one knows us, no one cares what we are doing. The house is anonymous, the neighbours do not mix. It is perfect.

I have grown in the past year I think. I know I am attractive, I know I am sexy, I learnt that all from Mark, but the past year I have grown even more in my confidence, as I see the love in R's eyes and feel it when we are together. I have also grown in my job, taken new responsibilities, felt more confident.
The year bought with it the illness for his wife of course, but that has bought us closer together. I think it could have gone either way at the beginning. He could have paniked, felt guilty, or been so tied up with hospital visits that I was in the way. But instead I am his retreat from it all, at least I try to be. I think I have helped keep him strong in the last year, and our love has grown stronger and stronger. We understand each other totally, and there is no pretence.

We have never had an argument either, which I find amazing. I rarely argued with Mark that I can remember either, but we did not see each other so regularly as R and I do. If we argued, it would have been about religion I think.
This week though, there was a hiccup. R tried to be dutiful, he felt that my husband was in a depression or crisis, and needed all my love to pull through. He tried to end it. At least I think that was what was going on. There was a lot happening at the time with the relapse of his wife. I understand his motives, but it has shaken me slightly. I thought we were a strong team, and now I am not so sure. I thought it would take a lot to cause us to part, but now I am not so sure about that either.
We did not part, my husband is not depressed or having a crisis. To be honest, even if he was, I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago, and I cannot simply give him all my love by taking it back from R. Love does not work like that.
Actually, love is not rationed, we have enough for all, love grows with use. I love my husband as in I want the best for him, but I cannot love him as lovers do, or as a lovîng man and wife should.

I think R knows he was foolish, he regrets his actions, got carried away by all that was going on. He has just emailed to say that coming to meet me one year ago was one of the best decisions he ever made   That is wonderful to hear.

So for now I look forward to the next year, and I hope that it is even better than the previous one. I am very happy with R, totally content, and know that me being happy with him means I am happier at home, easier to live with, and that makes my husband happier too. This relationship is currently not taking anything from him, he never wants sex, and if he does, then I don't deny him. And if one day I leave him, then it is more likely to be because I want to live for me for a while, so see what my life brings. I have outgrown him, and one day it will be time to move on. But I am not building up my hopes that it will be to R. He cannot leave his wife now, but no one knows what the future might bring.

I don't believe it, finally, after over a year of hard blogging, my blog has made it into the featured blogs.

i am very proud

However, it is featured under a blog purely in indonesian or something, next to one about plus size women, and one for fighting women or something!
Ah well, I am still chuffed - my 15 minutes of fame

 Click on the image to see what it is. I clicked through and found it is exactly what I imagined it would be,

And the reason I was looking - well, it was a Simple Watson post by tel1342 that did it

I decided last night to go for a run, as a prelude to trying to get fitter. Trouble is I had already showered and changed after work, and was not wearing a bra.
So uncomfortable when they are bouncing free - I had to walk, and even then cross my arms to keep them still.

And I ain't THAT big

Reminders just keep popping up from Outlook, but I am sooooo tired.

  I hate Mondays

My horoscope today seems pretty close considering my previous posts:

You know exactly where you belong, and how you can be truly happy. Action is required however. In addition you should finally make a decision

I have been away from blogland the last week, due to way too much work. A week is a long time here. Loads of posts to catch up on, plus lots of comments to my last posting. Actually, the kids have been a bit better this week. I told them that I need more help from them, and that it was getting me down, and they are actually doing more, of their own volition. Mind you, davij commented that that will last 2 weeks, and he is probably right.
I have gained a new blog buddy, with a reputation for plain speaking, so I may start quaking in my boots occasionally.
And R's wife has had a turn for the worse, and I am quite upset about it. Progress was being made slowly, but she fell. Apparently she was in a wheelchair and wanted to go backwards, but did not remove the brake fully. The chair tipped back and crashed to the floor, so she banged her head hard and caused a deep injury. Today they cannot wake her, and must do a scan. Maybe another hemorrhage has occurred.
I saw R on Thursday, for a beautiful afternoon, wonderful afternoon in fact at the nest. He wrote to me afterwards that he had almost suggested we burn our boats as it were and start again together. I responded that I know he could never do that, he would be unhappy in the long term, but I told him my true feelings, as I had posted them here just so recently.
And now this has happened.
As my friends know, I do believe in God, or at least in a higher power. Something at work, and while I do not believe that this illness was sent to his wife, I do believe that people are sent to us when we need them. I think the last year has allowed our love to grow, unhindered, to the stage that we both know we could make a go of it if his wife does indeed die.
We will see what happens now. I feel she has suffered enough, as have they all. The recovery, although almost miraculous in itself, is painfully slow, and very frustrating and indeed distressing for his wife.
Only time will tell what will happen.