My email from Andy was waiting for me at home today. He had had a great holiday. he had had a long chat with his wife, and all was now wonderful. He doesn't want to endanger that again, so even though he told me how wonderful I am, it is still over.

I knew it was, but I am glad that he and his wife are okay. I never want anyone to get hurt, except maybe me! I prayed it would be okay for him and his wife, and my prayers have been answered - again. Careful what one prays for, the answer may not always be what we hoped.

So for the time being I am off men. There are too many signs that this is not meant to be. We all know what happened to Jonah when he ignored God, so as I don't want swallowing and spitting out again, I guess I had better pay attention.

If I carry on with this blog, maybe I will need to change my posts. Time will tell.
But now I will go to bed, and in the morning I will wake with a smile on my face, and maybe even I will smile at my hubbie in the bed beside me.

Goodnight.

it is lunchtime. Andy has been back from his holidays at least 18 hours, and I have heard nothing.

I knew he wouldn't call, but still it hurts.
I know I should give him up, but still it hurts.
I try to be happy inside, but it don't always work.
I am not sure what I want, or why I feel hurt.

as the saying goes though, no news is good news, and maybe he has mailed me at home, which i cannot access from work, or maybe he will call me later today. I can fool myself for a little bit longer, and then I will accept and put it down to experience.

I still believe that to enter into a relationship with another person may be risky, it opens you up to hurt, but it is always an enriching and growing experience somehow, even if we can't see how at the time.

I just found this great blog on bluebutterfly, it made me smile, and is so true, and hey it refers to guys leaving gift buying to the last minute too

http://wingemoancomplain.blog.co.uk/2007/04/01/men_are_just_happier_people~2014344

I asked blue butterfly if i could use this, and actually have not waited for her reply, but I hope it is okay

Today is my birthday. I guess that I am now a little older and wiser. I have received birthday texts from Jeff and Res, which is nice. Jeff of course has offered me an all expenses paid trip to one of the rooms one can rent for meetings with lovers. I think there is no end date on his offer at the moment.
Res is in hospital, he had a big OP yesterday, but he will be okay. The illness has however released lots of emotions in his family, and brought them all closer together. Good for him, and also not painful for me, we can remain friends.

My husband is having to take the afternoon off to get me a gift. I refuse to feel guilty about that. My birthday is always on the same date every year, surely it isn't that difficult to plan a little in advance? He tells me that it is a man thing, always leaving gift buying to the last minute, which is probably true, but after all these years, he maybe should have learnt that that just causes stress, and also takes the edge off the day for me.
It is the thought that counts, but nevertheless actions speak louder than words

I am reading a book at the moment entitled "How to be Happy all the time" by Paramhansa Yogananda.
Basically it says that chasing after sensory pleasures is pointless and will lead to pain, and we can be only happy if we seek internal happiness. Other people or things cannot make us happy. We can choose to be happy or not, regardless of cirumstances.

Actually, I think he has a point. Yesterday I was pretty upset, and feeling that I was losing all my lovers, without necessarily getting anything in return. Then today, after the Virginia shooting and the Bagdad bombings, I realised that I should be incredibly grateful for all I do have.

So I agree with Paramhansa, and I am going to try and be happy in myself from now on. Now this does imply a big decision will have to be made not to have any more affairs, but as they have all fizzled out at the moment, maybe it is not such a hard decision to make for the time being.

Today the new more contented me, could pass through a railway station, which previously had always reminded me of Mark, and brought tears to my eyes, and today I could smile, and remember the great time we had in a hotel nearby.

I had a long text message from Jeff today. He wanted to know if I had forgotten him, or whether I just wanted to forget him, and why he only heard from me if he contacted me first. I guess it is a fair question - or series of questions.
But as far as he is aware I am working on my relationship with my husband, so I think he should give me space and time.
I have told him this, and that I feel he is pressurising me. So he texted back, an incredibly long text, saying no pressure, he understands, but he would love some good sex with me sometime soon.
Sex is something a man can seperate from all else that is going on. It is just Sex, it is not betrayal. He does not love me, just lusts me. That is okay, I do not want him to love me, I do not love him. The sex is good with him, but I cannot seperate it like he can. Sex for just sex, for old times sake, one last time? I don't think I can live with myself if I do that, so I won't.
Yet still I haven't told him that yes I want to forget him, and I am not sure I know why that is.

It is a week since I last blogged. I have had my leadership training in Germany, and my collegue behaved impeccably, as did I. Now I am back, and seem to be surrounded by memories of past love.
I texted Mark last week, it turned out he was in Israel, which coincidentally was where he was last year when I visited Germany. That was Valentines day 2006. We had a misunderstanding, where he thought I wanted him to finish with me, and I ended up heartbroken, and he had to call me, hotel to hotel. Probably an expensive misunderstanding.
So now it was again, he was there, I was in Germany, and I remembered the last time.
At home I see him everywhere, in the pieces of Jewellery he bought me, in the pair of jeans I bought when we were together, at the Station where I had to change trains when I was coming back from Germany. We had visited that station together, sat in that photo booth. Whenever I use an airport, I remember Mark, as airports figured so large in our relationship.
He is everywhere and nowhere, and it does not really help me get over him.
My other lovers I remember in my home town, in the office car park, when I pass a restaurant where we met, at the Station where I met another.
I have decided that maybe it is better with lovers, to trade no gifts, no memories, and to only go places that one never normally goes.

well I got my de-stressing after a little more persistance, and now I am supposed to be studying my spanish for my class tomorrow night. The sun is shining, and the spanish is sending me to sleep.
Tomorrow the stress of work starts again, and on Wed evening I am going on a 2 day business trip. Leadership training no less. I seem to be the only woman on the list, what a surprise, or not.
Anyway, a collegue from my office is also coming. We are travelling up together by train on Wed night. He has been making comments about how agreeable that will be, and maybe we will be sharing a hotel room.
I am not really sure how to take these comments. I just joke them away, but I guess they are rather inappropriate in this age of political correctness. But if I say anything, he will tell me it is just a joke. He has however made such jokes before, but then he is also a really nice guy, and not some sleeze.
I have a personal rule however of not having affairs, flings or anything similar with anyone I work with or near. It causes too many problems. I will of course flirt to get my way when necessary, but I don't think this will be covered in the leadership training.
So, probably I need to put my collegue straight, and maybe drop the flirting.
Purely professional from now on - on my!

I changed the title of my blog. It seems appropriate at Easter. So many things we enjoy, are not necessarily good for us to excess - like chocolate eggs for example, or too much partying, or too much coffee, glasses of wine, or cigarettes - not that they are one of my vices.
And also of course, my blog could lead some to believe I am naughty, but really I am very nice.
Just looking for love, like everyone.

Sometimes I think I am going through my mispent youth in my 40's, instead of when i should have done it.

Today I was restless again. My husband rejected my advances last night, so I was a bit down about that. I guess I will just have to try again. Sex is after all a great stress-buster, and I am still trying to wind down from my week at work. I was watching a program about burnt out teachers, and some of the symptoms were scarily familiar - not being able to switch off, fast beating heart, waking in the night .  Oh my, I definately need some de-stressing.

My first long distance lover we shall call Mark, cos that is not his name, but we have to protect the guilty
Mark and I had a wonderful affair for 2 and a half years, seeing each other when we could, and totally enjoying each other when we did. He taught me everything I know now about love and sexuality, about how great sex can be, and how two people should treat each other.
I met Mark on-line playing scrabble, so we still get to contact each other occassionally via the scrabble board. Our chat has been getting racier of late. Neither of us had wanted to split up, it was just circumstances.

it was with Mark I discover the eroticness of spanking. We were both virgins at that, but managed to develop some great scenarios, and I did find it a great turn on, as did he.
I have not done spanking with anyone since, it just hadn't seemed right. Mark mailed me today to tell me he thinks I should be punished one last time, and he has a great scene worked out. I am turned on by the thought, even though I don't know what he is planning. Maybe it will not happen, but it stirs up old yearnings again.
Whether I can get to the UK before he leaves it is uncertain. But one day we will meet again, someday somewhere

is it good to keep reminding ourselves of what is past? If we can deal with the memories then I think it is. For a long time, I couldn't bear to remember, but slowly time heals. As RobertRaw wrote, we should remember the good times, and forget the bad, and I agree. It helps us grow, and it helps us to be the people we have become.

I heard from both Res and Jeff yesterday. Well Jeff sent me a cryptic text message along the lines of that if I didn't want to see him, then it is probably convenient if I can find no time. He always did have a problem with the amount of hours I put in at the office, so may think it is just an excuse. It is true though, I have lots to do, although I am probably also a borderline workaholic.
However, maybe I just prioritise differently. I enjoy my job, but I also enjoy some aspects of my life outside my job, so if I get a better offer, then I will find time. We always can find time for those things we want to do.
So sorry Jeff, I was not tempted enough.
Res sent me Easter greetings, which shows he is thinking about me. Oh, and I played my very first long distance lover at Scrabble last night, and beat him. It was very enjoyable. Especially the chatD
But I must admit I am feeling a little restless again now. Maybe it was the chat last night, and because the one I would very much like to hear from is of course still in Brazil, and will be for another 2 weeks!

So today Andy flys to Brazil for a holiday with his wife, just the 2 of them. It sounds fantastic as he described it to me, but now that she is suspicious of him, maybe it won't be quite so fantastic for them. I hope though that they enjoy it, and are reconciled. Even if I never see Andy again, I want him to be happy.

Jeff has not responded to my message from yesterday. I thought he might not. Someone commented to me when I was wondering about the possibility of being friends with an ex, that if it was more lust than love then it is not possible. I see now that that is probably true. Jeff lusted, and now he can't have what he wants, we have nothing to link us as friends.

So all is quiet, and actually, it is quite nice to be able to relax for a while. Not sure how long it will last though before I have had too much of being quiet, but as this month is packed full, it could be a little while. And who knows, maybe it will improve things at home.

Sometimes I think things are improving at home, and then something happens to prove me wrong. Don't get me wrong, my husband is okay. He cooks, he does laundry, he even irons clothes. He isn't bad with the kids, if he isn't in one of his moods and out to make his point.
But then he can be so moody, can we blame hormones? Do men have hormonal swings like women?

It is when he is being moody that I find it easier to justify why I am attracted to others. In a love affair, all is sweetness and light. We generally only see the good side of the other person. The persona we present to the other is naturally not the same as the persona we are when we are 24/7 with someone. Plus there is the buzz, the excitement, everyone is on a high.

I know that, I am not dumb, but it does still bug me. Maybe it is the unfairness of it. Last night he neglected me, in fact most of the weekend he was on the PC. Last night he was still on it at 10.30 pm. So, knowing we would be up at 6.15 am I suggested, quite sweetly I thought, that he turned it off now. And that was all it needed. He turned it off, stopped speaking to me, sat down in front of the TV, and stayed there for the next hour an a half.
I just don't get it, what had I done? Maybe I will ask him, and see what the answer is, but I think it will not be much of an answer.

So if any of you husbands out there reading this are guilty of being PC obsessed, and then not communicating with your nearest and dearest, just remember, you may be sending her into the arms of another.

I have been wondering about this question for several reasons. My first lover is leaving the country soon, to live even further away. So, as we never really said goodbye, I suggested to him I fly in to see him one last time. Just as friends, no hotel room, no big car, nothing, just a day together as friends.
He says it would not work, that he would not be able to be just friends, and he suggests neither would I be able to.

I didn't really believe him, but then on Friday, I met Res, just for coffee, to talk about things, how things were going. Just as friends. That was the plan, but it didn't happen like that. The old chemistry was there, and I won't say what happened, but needless to say it shouldn't have done, and it was definatly not what just friends do.

And now Jeff, I wrote to him this morning, telling him I could not see him this month, that he should concentrate on his wife, who has been herself trying to inject spice into their marriage, and that I want us still to be friends. But Jeff has already told me that he cannot be just friends.

So maybe it is true that once you have been intimate with someone, it is no longer possible to be just friends.

Yesterday I received a text message with a picture of a penis on it. Not just any penis, but that of a former lover. Now, he does not see himself as a former lover, more a lover on the sidelines, waiting not so patiently.
I have lied to this former lover, who we will call Jeff here.I was afraid of his reaction if I told him I no longer wanted to see him, so I lied, and told him that my husband had found out about us. So now Jeff waits for the imaginary dust to settle, so that we can return to how it was before.

Having an affair is not so easy I have decided. My first affair happened by chance. I was not looking for it, but it happened. My lover lived hundreds of miles away, so when we met it was wonderful and intense. In between we would email and phone, or text message. What would a modern affair be without the mobile phone and email?
But that affair ended after 2 years. By then I was hooked. Hooked on the thrills and excitement, on the planning, on the sex.
So I looked for another lover. This one nearer to home. I found a website where, as a female, i could register for free, and receive lots of emails from interested guys.

Wow. So I did, and the emails came. From all sorts. Some sent obsence photos, so they got deleted, some sent standard letters, so they got deleted, but some sent letters from the heart. Guys who had read my profile, seen what i was looking for, and had felt a connection.

I was amazed how many basically decent guys are out there just searching for some affection and spark in their lives.

So I corresponded with a couple, met one of them, and fell in love.
That was mistake number 1. Don't fall in love with a lover.
Lover number 1, let us call him Res, was great at the beginning. A doctor, older, taller, maybe a bit battered, but very lovable.
But after a while, with the strength of feelings between us, Res paniked. He confessed it all to his wife, decided to move out, then not to move out, to not see me, to see me. It was a rollercoaster, that in the end, we finished.
Now we are on a time out, until Summer, so that he can try and decide what he wants.

Lover number 2, Jeff, wrote to me whilst i was in an inbetween period with Res. He seemed kind, so i met him out of curiosity. He was not really my type, but I was too weak to tell him that. So we carried on meeting, and he spent weeks trying to persuade me to go the whole way, which in the end i did. I didn't love Jeff, but then I realised that sex without love, just lust, can still be pretty good, and he was pretty good.

And then came lover number 3, we will call him Andy. He wrote to me whilst I was still with jeff. His words captured me, so I agreed to meet him. He was what I was looking for. A lawyer, rich, successful, fit and tanned, with a sense of humour. We had sex the second date, and it was dynamite.

So then I dropped Jeff. Or I lied to Jeff, having tried to drop him before and finding that the truth was too hurtful for him.

I was determined not to fall in love with Andy, and I have managed that. I do think he is great, and I love being with him, but i will not make the mistake number 1 again.

Unfortunately Andys wife got suspicious one time when Andy shaved and showered at lunch time instead of in the morning. So I haven't heard from him barely in a week, and who knows what will happen

So, now I have no lovers for the present, but I will not return to Jeff. Lust is okay, but one needs also that little extra for an affair to work.